Category Archives: Work

I miss it already… and I have a long wait ahead of me

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My friend Andy is a High School Drama teacher and for the last several years I’ve always been invited into his process during the final weeks of his shows leading up to opening. I’ve always enjoyed its something that I look forward to  every fall and spring. It’s been amazing to get to know the kids and watch them grow and learn throughout their High School Drama Careers (I still can’t over the fact that it’s been 10 years since I’ve had mine!) This year has been particularly special as he has now been at the same school for 4 years, so I’ve been watching and working with many of the seniors  since they were freshmen.

Their production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream opens next weekend and I sat through my third run through last night. After the run I got the chance to give notes while Andy was working elsewhere and afterward spent 20 minutes or so working a scene with a couple of the actors. Working with young actors I often find myself surprised at their sometimes enthusiastic and eager reactions to what are (to me) rather obvious and mundane suggestions. I guess there must be something to be said for that college education I went and got, and these years of experience that I have now, because some of these kids seem to think I’m a genius! At any rate, I had a blast last night and look forward to returning to their rehearsals for the next couple of days. Although it’s only been a little over a month, before today it felt like it had been FOREVER since I’d had my hands on a piece of theater.

I miss it. I miss working. I miss my co-workers in the theater community. I miss going to work every night. I just miss surrounding myself with a creative and collaborative process. The Theater is a unique and interesting “place” to work and I just simply miss being around it all of the time.

But yeah, I can’t tell you enough how great it feels to be useful again, even if it’s only for a few more days. This is what I do, I make theater. But unfortunately a career in the theater lends itself to being an all or nothing sort of thing. Unlike many other people out there battle cancer, I can’t take a few days off of work every other week for treatment. That’s not how my industry and chosen profession work. If you can’t commit to the 90+ show run then you’re not going to work. And unfortunately the advanced nature of auditioning and booking gigs a few months ahead of time means that I really can’t start audition again until I know for sure I’m done with chemo and I get my first test results back that indicate “No Evidence of Disease.”  I had to drop out of the show that I was supposed to be working on right now and I’m now basically on the Disabled List. Even worse, I’ve been declared “Out For the Season.” I may only be  slated for another 6 or so months of chemo, but I don’t anticipate working again until next fall at the earliest. It’s hard not to dote on that thought.*

We are seeing the first preview of the show I was supposed to be in right now on Sunday and I’m really curious as what it will be like watching a show that I was originally slated to be in. I’m expecting a pretty mixed bag of emotions. But above all, I think I’ll just be glad that I’m be back sitting in the office again for a few hours. It’s just a for a brief visit, but I’ll be back work full-time just as soon as I can.

I just miss it, that’s all.

*Please forgive me the use of the word “dote.” Like I said, I spent all afternoon in a  Shakespeare rehearsal. Earlier I used the word “churl” in a sentence. It was awkward.

Going Back to Work … Hopefully

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The last show I worked on before I got sick was the sold-out run at a small theater

I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s during the the end of our extension while we doing a series of Midnight Shows. It got really difficult for me actually. On one hand, my symptoms from the tumors were really acute and the show was in fact extremely difficult for me to get through at that point, but on the other hand I couldn’t tell anybody. That’s not true. I could have told my cast-mates, and in fact if we had done another weekend of shows like we had originally planned I would have told them as I probably would have had to start make some changes in my performance. At the time I could hardly exert myself without going into coughing fits (if you recall, I had a large tumor pressing on my lungs) and that’s to mention the fact that I had just had surgery. Still, we didn’t want to tell anyone yet, because I hadn’t had the chance to tell my family. But as fate would have it, we wound up canceling the final weekend of shows and I didn’t have to do the show or start telling people that I was sick.

Around this same time I made the tough decision to pull out of an upcoming (but now currently running) show at a larger theater. It was hard to do, and it was hard it was for me to come to the realization that I probably wouldn’t work again until next fall at the earliest. BUT things may have changed a bit. All I need is for luck to stay on my side.

A few weeks ago I was approached again about reprising my role as in their jupcoming remount starting the final weekend in January. They approached me knowing full well that I was sick, and they were upfront about their willingness to have someone understudy the role as well. I had already written it off in my head, so my initial instinct was to decline, but I thought about it for a few days and even after discussing my possible limitation with the new director, they still wanted me back. And so I’m happy to announce that I have agreed to return!

They have been EXTREMELY generous (and frankly I think, a bit a silly) to ask me back. But as there will be someone covering the role, just in case, this should work out. As I explained to them, there is no knowing where I will be at in 2 months when the show is scheduled to open. I can’t guarantee to them that I’ll be physically able to perform. And even if am able to open the show, the ever changing side-effects of chemo may prevent me from being able to continue the run. Or maybe my low white blood cell count will eventually catch up with me and I could come down with some kind of infection and I’ll need to be hospitalized or… well… suffice to say: I feel like I have been very fortunate with my treatment so far in that I HAVEN’T had any serious problems yet. But that’s not to say that I won’t. And fortunately the people there are willing to assume the risks (with the provided insurance of an Understudy!)

Even if I’m only able to do a couple of shows it will be worth it to me for a chance to get back on the stage again, earlier than expected even. And what I’m even more humbled by,  grateful for,  and touched by, is the fact that they feel its worth it to THEM to have me back, even if I’m only able to do a few shows.

I know that everyone out there is already praying for me and sending me good thoughts, but now I think it’s time that we all crossed our fingers and hoped for the best come the last week of January through mid-February. I’m gonna need it!

The Voice

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The voice is muscle, and like any muscle if you don’t use it you lose it. Or at least it can quickly get out of shape. I realized this first hand last night when I went in for my first rehearsal for the revival… We actually all met last week for read through, but this was my first time working through a song again in a long time. In fact, as I realized during my first hoarse sing-through, the last time I sang ANYTHING was three-and-a-half months ago when I last sang this same song onstage. It was a bit of a wake-up call.

It will be fine, I just need to be sure and actually use my singing voice a bit more to get it back into shape. That, and you know actually maybe warm-up before going into a rehearsal. When we last did this show in September, I had been working for almost a year straight with no breaks, so my voice was pretty much always in good shape without having warm up or anything.

Everything was raspy, crackly, weak, and I just didn’t feel like I had any control over it. I don’t know why I was so surprised though. Like I said it’s a muscle, I wouldn’t expect to run every day for a year, then stop for 3 months, and then go out for a run and expect the same mile time that I had when I stopped. But for some reason I was still surprised when my voice wasn’t where I thought it was.

I also wonder what effects my chemo treatments have had on my vocal health aside from lack of use. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was something going on there as well. In the past I would Google it. “Chemo” and then whatever possible side effect or ailment I was looking for and it always comes back with a result. I find lately though that I have problems doing that. Its getting harder and harder for me to talk about chemo as I have such negative associations with it that when I start to talk about it or think about it I can feel back in the room, in the chair. It makes my heart sink and my stomach turn.

Along those same lines, just the names of the drugs have power over me. When I’m sitting in the chair and they bring the drugs up, they show them to me and read off the names showing me the labels and verifying that it’s me and that it’s the right drugs. Just the other day I was reading something somewhere I randomly stumbled across the name of one of the drugs they give me, and my body reacted to it. Powerful stuff.

Okay, case and point, I have to stop talking about this now as I’m making myself a little ill. =)