Author Archives: Brian

I think the “mourning period” is over

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It only took 2 months.

I don’t know how to describe it, but in the last few days I sort of “got over it” or to put it in a more NSFW term that we use often: I “un-fucked myself.” What I mean by this is that while I’ve had a pretty good attitude and have kept a generally positive persona about this “whole cancer thing,” I feel like I’ve still let it dominate and mandate the decisions and choices that I’ve made over the last 2 months. This isn’t something that surprises me, it is kind of a big deal after all, but still I can’t help but feel like I’ve let it take over my life. I think I’m done with that now. I can’t ignore the fact that I’m sick, but I think I’m done letting it completely dictate what I do or don’t do.

Christine started noticing it first in the small things. Last night for example we were out and she noticed that I was walking at a faster clip than she was, closer to the pace of life that I used to move at. She commented I must be feeling better since I was walking at my normal speed again, and that made me stop for a second. I checked in and realized that I didn’t particularly feel any better, in fact Monday through Wednesday after chemo are actually some of my most physically uncomfortable and achy days of the cycle, it’s just that at some point I’d sort of accepted it. It’s not going away anytime soon, there isn’t anything that I can particularly do about it, so why should I let it slow me down or stop me anymore.

And boy, has it ever. I keep surprising myself when it comes to my physical abilities, or rather inabilities. I get an idea that I’m going to do something simple like laundry, but its shocking to me how quickly I find myself becoming fatigued. My hope is that it’s more from the damage that I’ve done to myself by not being at all physically active over the last few months, and not the disease, or rather the treatment , that’s been the source of my continued weakness. And that could be case, only time will tell, but at least for this week I feel like I’m ready to start moving forward again in a big way.

It’s either that, or maybe I just woke up feeling oddly ambitious today, and this is how it’s manifesting itself. Either way, I’ll let it carry it me for as long as I can.

The Winter Pineapple Classic 2010

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I’m finally getting around to get these pictures posted.

As I mentioned earlier in the week, on Saturday Christine and I headed up to the hills with Sage and Maggie for The Winter Pineapple Classic, a 5K in North Bend. It was another fundraiser for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. We’ve started to notice that there are a lot of these around, and that most of them are 5K’s or Stair Climbs or whatnot. We think it has something to do with the fact that these “blood cancers” tend to strike young people, so the fundraisers tend to get started around  activities and active lifestyle stuff and whatnot. Something for people to get out and DO. Or it could just be a coincidence.

But I digress. The four of us met up with a few others in North Bend. Christine and Maggie’s (and Ryan’s) trainer Kailyn, his husband, and a couple of their friends.

Team Lange

Shortly before the race started Tanya arrived to hang out with me while the others were running.

The team was in the second wave of the day at 9:15. The event started at 9:00am and scheduled start times were every fifteen minutes until noon. There were a ton of people there when we got there and there were a ridiculous number of people there when we left, and they were still rolling in. It’s a pretty big event! Last year there were over 3000 participants and they raised over $465,000 for the LLS. This year they were expecting to beat both numbers.

Here goes Wave 2:

There is a reason its called the The Pineapple Classic. Every team must carry a pineapple with them.

Starting off, grabbing the Pineapple

What was nice about this race is that it took place over a pretty wide open field, which meant that Tanya and I were able to freely walk around and watch them several times as they made their way around the course. We just cut through the middle.

OH, and I did I mention that it’s also an Obstacle Course !!!!

Not our people, but this was the first obstacle

Again, not our people, but you get the idea

Once Tanya and I figured out the layout of the course, we were able to put together a plan of attack in order to get ahead of them and cut them off at very points throughout the track. so instead of taking pictures of what they had gone through, we were able to get quite of few pictures of them going through the obstacles.

Stine posing for an 'action shot'

Teamwork required. Note the pineapple.

Team Lange

Team ''

It was a pretty fun event, and I was so relieved that it turned out to be a race that I could come “watch”. That was a unexpected surprise. I was pretty prepared to go sit in the car with Tanya for 20 minutes while they ran the race, but the venue was perfect to be able to run around and watch them progress through the course.

Already though, I can’t wait until I can participate next year. And the year after that. And the year after that. As each of these events come and go I can already see myself returning to them year after year. And each year I’ll think back on that first year, when I couldn’t participate because I had cancer, but now I can participate as an example to those who at one time like me, could not. It’s organizations like the LLS who have donated hundreds of millions of dollars to the cancer research. And because of the events like this I had a form of cancer that was treatable and curable. It will certainly keep me coming back, and will keep me donating to the LLS for life. Because of them, I can.

Highs… and Lows

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It’s almost too easy to talk about this journey as a series of highs and lows. Today was a perfect example. I got to spend some time with my friends Dane and Jessica (the High) but I ended the day feeling pretty low (the Low).

I sort of touched on  how I’ve been feeling in yesterday’s post, but I want to expand upon it today. As an overall, I haven’t felt too terribly bad during this latest round of chemo, but what’s been slowly wearing on me is the fact that I haven’t felt good either. I’ve just kind of felt sick for the last week. Not in an unbearable way, but its like its lingering just under the surface and won’t go away. It hasn’t prevented me from doing anything, but its just been a constant presence for the last week.

It actually started on Wednesday, the day we went in for chemo again. I was okay in the morning, but the nearer we got to our chemo appointment the worse I started feeling. By the time Tanya picked us up and we were on our way I was feeling genuinely nauseous. Even now thinking about it again I am starting to make myself a little ill. The nurse told me that I was basically describing “anticipatory nausea.” It’s basically what it sounds like. I know what I’m on my way to do. I don’t want to go. I know how it’s going to make me feel, and my body starts to react in anticipation.

It’s been almost a full week now, and that feeling has remained, like I said, just below the surface. Never really showing itself but at the same time never really going away. After a week it’s really starting to wear me down. My fear is that this is the real manifestation of continued treatment and that my body is starting to lose ground against the chemo drugs. When I talk about with people I describe it as diminishing returns, that with each subsequent treatment I am not quite able to get all way back up to a baseline level before I have to go back in and get another round of chemo. I’m scared that this feeling is going to get worse as the months progress and that eventually it won’t go away at all.

Also on my mind today is a friend who lost his father to cancer today. It was not unexpected, but I can’t help but feel the loss and take a moment to reflect on how much cancer sucks. I only met him once, but he was such a sweet man and he did have a lasting impact on me: to this day the image of him dancing with his wife at his son’s wedding knowing that he was terminally ill was one of the most touching moments I’ve ever see in my life. It brings tears to my eyes even thinking about it now. I know that our cancers were different, and that our journeys have little in common save for the  “c word” itself. But none the less, in the short time that I’ve lived with my own cancer I’ve felt an increasing connection and understanding with others who have lived, and who continue to live, with cancer in their lives.

Anyway, a lot on my mind tonight, and as such I’m feeling pretty blah. Christine has been amazing though. She worked all day and then came home and is now decorating the tree and hanging up the stockings while I lay here and type this. It just looks so beautiful.

Like I said, it’s a journey of highs and lows.

I should go, Christine just threw an entire glass of wine on the cat.

“Gym? What’s a Gym?”

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I went to the gym today for the first time in 5 months. I asked when I checked in and they said the last time I was there was July 2nd. Though in my defense I didn’t see much reason to go the gym this summer.  After all I was losing weight without even having to workout…

I wasn’t there for very long, maybe 20 minutes, and I spent the whole time just shooting hoops. Just easing back into this whole “physical activity thing.” It sure felt like a lot of work though, just lightly jogging around the court for the first time in a few months was pretty intense and by the end my legs were a bit shaky and my arms were tired. Not so impressive but it’s a start I guess.

CT Scan Today

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We are going in this morning for a CT Scan!

We probably won’t hear anything about the results until we next meet with the oncologist on Wednesday, but we are really excited to have this test done. This will be the first time that we will get an idea for how I am responding to chemotherapy. Though all signs point to the fact that I am responding well, it will be (hopefully) a great relief to see some empirical evidence. I’m hoping for news along the lines of : “the tumor in your chest has shrunk to X size and the tumor on your spine is gone!” That would be nice.

Going in this morning is such a contrast to the last time I had a CT Scan. It was the morning of September 14th, the day after my first doctor’s appointment. I was scared and was frankly in shock. I remember I had put on a brave face, but when it was over I broke down a bit and cried. The test is simple, but it was just the idea of it. I was sitting there in hospital gowns, I had just received an IV for the first time, and was completely out of my element. And what was worse, I realized that it was about to become normal. That at some point it wouldn’t seem so strange and foreign anymore, and that scared me even more, as it meant that I was sick and that this was really happening. Well my fear has pretty much come to fruition, procedures are now commonplace and I find that I’m very comfortable around hospitals and doctors offices now (these are my people!)

The test is scheduled for 8:30 but we have to check-in at 7am so I can start drinking the contrast solution. I’m not so much looking forward to that part. If memory serves that stuff is pretty gross,  and I’ll have to drink quite a bit of it. If it’s a repeat performance of the last time, I’ll spend an hour and half choking down the contrast solution so they can see my bowels. They’ll take some scans of that, and then they’ll inject the contrast solution into my veins and take additional pictures. We’ll be out of there by 9.

So, CT Scan today and then as I understand it I’ll be going in for a PT (or PET) Scan before the next time we see the oncologist in early January, again as a “check-up” of sorts.

Fingers crossed that these tests will yield some encouraging results in the coming week.