It only took 2 months.

I don’t know how to describe it, but in the last few days I sort of “got over it” or to put it in a more NSFW term that we use often: I “un-fucked myself.” What I mean by this is that while I’ve had a pretty good attitude and have kept a generally positive persona about this “whole cancer thing,” I feel like I’ve still let it dominate and mandate the decisions and choices that I’ve made over the last 2 months. This isn’t something that surprises me, it is kind of a big deal after all, but still I can’t help but feel like I’ve let it take over my life. I think I’m done with that now. I can’t ignore the fact that I’m sick, but I think I’m done letting it completely dictate what I do or don’t do.

Christine started noticing it first in the small things. Last night for example we were out and she noticed that I was walking at a faster clip than she was, closer to the pace of life that I used to move at. She commented I must be feeling better since I was walking at my normal speed again, and that made me stop for a second. I checked in and realized that I didn’t particularly feel any better, in fact Monday through Wednesday after chemo are actually some of my most physically uncomfortable and achy days of the cycle, it’s just that at some point I’d sort of accepted it. It’s not going away anytime soon, there isn’t anything that I can particularly do about it, so why should I let it slow me down or stop me anymore.

And boy, has it ever. I keep surprising myself when it comes to my physical abilities, or rather inabilities. I get an idea that I’m going to do something simple like laundry, but its shocking to me how quickly I find myself becoming fatigued. My hope is that it’s more from the damage that I’ve done to myself by not being at all physically active over the last few months, and not the disease, or rather the treatment , that’s been the source of my continued weakness. And that could be case, only time will tell, but at least for this week I feel like I’m ready to start moving forward again in a big way.

It’s either that, or maybe I just woke up feeling oddly ambitious today, and this is how it’s manifesting itself. Either way, I’ll let it carry it me for as long as I can.