I already had today’s post written. It was all about how I didn’t want to go chemo today because I felt really good (in fact this is the best I’ve felt in months). Then at about 4:40 in the afternoon on Tuesday I got a phone call from the doctor’s office letting me know that they did not want me to come in for chemo. I had gotten what I wanted, but suddenly I wasn’t happy about it.
I had gone in on Tuesday morning to have what will become a standard day-before-chemo blood draw, and the results indicated that my white blood cell count has not recovered enough for me to undergo another treatment this week. The nurse that I spoke to didn’t seem to think that this was something to be overly concerned about, it doesn’t indicate anything and it’s a common side effect of chemotherapy. My doctor just wants to wait another week and give those numbers a chance to get higher before we start up again. She also indicated that with this knowledge they may be prescribing some additional medications to help boost my white blood cell counts after the next treatment, now (tentatively, I guess) scheduled for next Wednesday.
This is actually really frustrating. I spent the whole day thinking about how I REALLY did not want to go back in for chemo, but now that it’s a reality I just wish that I was going in. I mean, let’s get this show on the road! Every day I’m not being treated is another day that I’m not getting better. Please note that this sentiment is now the exact opposite of the original draft where I spent several hundred words complaining about how I did not want to go in for my second dose of chemo today. Be careful what you wish for, I guess.
The biggest bummer is that this will push us onto a new two week schedule. Looking forward, the original every two week schedule seemed to fit well with a number of events that we already had on the calendar. Most notably the upcoming holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas both fell on what was looking to be “a good week” for me. But if I now have chemo next week and then everything is based on that two week cycle it now pushes them onto “a bad week.” Oh well. One thing I’ve clearly learned is not to count on anything, it can all change so very fast!
Oh Brian, just a little reminder that you really are not in charge! And you can save your original post for next Tuesday. I hope you find ways to use this “free” feeling great week to your advantage.
I second Kathryn’s comments about your writing. As an “older American” I notice that the kinds of conversations people used to have with their friends and neighbors on the front porch, or written longhand to those far away, hardly happen any more. We all have these conversations going in our heads, but few people to share them with. I see this newfangled blogging thing as a form of substitution for what used to take place by reason of proximity and lack of other options. You’re very good at it!
Two steps forward…one step back…..
Two steps back….one step forward…..
You’re doing the chemo dance.
It has quite a complex rhythm, but you’ll figure it out.
You have a gift.
Prayers.
Dearest Brian,
I went back to the beginning, well the beginning of the cancer, and have caught up over the last few days. My family has been with my mom for two rounds of the natsy stuff. She is all well and her chances weren;t nearly as good as yours 🙂 Your sense of humor as you write and your honestly and vulnerability is awesome, commendable, and other impressive words like that. And yet, it is not surprising. they are the same things that make you beautiful in life and onstage. You are in my heart. Please know that even though I am far away I am thinking of you everyday and having many little african children singing in prayer for you. So, there you go. I look forward to more of your journey. If you want to enjoy some of my trials and tribulations for a little distraction feel free to check out http://itsgoingverywell.wordpress.com
you will always be my favorite dolphin